WHAT'S IN A NAME
CRYPTO MEMORIES
by Rufina Bernardetti Silva Mausenbaum
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My father always called me by my first name, Rufina. The name
of his mother. The one who had suffered so much humiliation and shame for keeping the
"Antepura" (Yom Kippur). She kept it by disappearing for a whole day and night
by going into the fields, so that she could fast. He was extremely proud of her because of
her determination to maintain the religion of our ancestors against all odds. He told me
that Rufina meant Ruth, and that she came from a very "good" family, meaning
Jewish.
Growing up in South Africa, Rufina sounded very "foreign" and so, outside my
home, I was called by my second name, Bernardetti (blessed). Unhappily I only looked up
the meaning of that precious name, Rufina, after my father's death in 1982. I traced it in
the Encyclopaedia Judaica and learnt that it
was used between the 2nd and 3rd centuries, written in Greek, and described her to have
been the "mother" or "president" of the synagogue in Smyrna, now Izmir
) Turkey. Once more I understood the very specialness and tenderness of always calling me
by my inherited name...
Frustration engulfs me - I was about six at the time - as I recall my father being
physically abused by a couple of young thugs because he was a "foreigner". A
Portuguese immigrant to South Africa. He arrived in 1936, when anti-Semitism became
another evil in Portugal. I wonder what would have
happened had those thugs known that he was also Jewish? That incident, from so long ago,
remains imprinted in my mind, shared only with my gentle and loving father. This episode
was just another secret to add to the many other "family secrets" buried beneath
the ashes of centuries of fear and shame. Was that one of the reasons they came to South
Africa, so young, with no knowledge of English, very little formal education, to start a
new life free of prejudice, once more to be open and proud of their Jewish heritage? Did
the enduring prejudice against Crypto (secret) Jews in Portugal impel them to leave; and
did their "foreignness" in South Africa prevent them from reverting back to
Judaism? Sadly I will never know the answer.
At that time, growing up in Cape Town, South Africa, I had
often wondered why we never discussed these secret issues and practices openly. How naive
I was, thinking as the young often do, to have all the answers; ready to "take
on" the whole world. Yet, when I converted to Orthodox Judaism, I never mentioned our
"family secrets," sticking to the ever unmentioned rule of secrecy within our
closed family circle. Would anyone have believed me then, as even now, a most unlikely
situation very few can comprehend. Would the rabbi's of the Beth Din ( Jewish Judicial
Council ) have known about the Crypto-Jewish phenomenon? I doubt it.
Today, so many years later, few are aware of the many Crypto Jewish and Marrano studies
and research conducted as more people are starting to question their past. Universities
around the world are researching this most unusual situation, with entire departments
devoted to the "anusim" (forced
converts) Crypto-Jewish and Marrano history, culture and practices; why it should still be
a part of peoples lives 150 years after the Inquisition ended. Concentrating on educating
(especially the Jewish Diaspora) to understand the descendants of their persecuted
ancestors with sensitivity
and understanding.
Researchers are helping to make sense of the lost past full of shame and humiliation which
continues in the present; being rejected by family and friends (of the gentile community)
when one chooses to return to the religion of one's ancestors, Judaism. Returnees then
have to "prove" their claim to Judaism! The fear, justified or not, rests with
what might happen if the "family secrets" were discovered. It continues with the
secrecy being a part of the religion transmitted through the ages along with the rituals
and traditions that have caused such pain and complexity of identity. Making
it difficult for many of the descendants to acknowledge their Jewish past.
Upon my request to convert, it took a long time before I was accepted, which I believe is
the norm. I was wanting to convert back to the religion of my ancestors by choice. At my
first audience before the Beth Din in Cape Town, I was asked who my friends were, the
names of people who knew me, and with with whom I associated, among many other questions.
It took another 6 to 8
months before I was summoned back to appear before them once more. At this time I
discovered that they had individually interviewed the people whose names were on the list
I had given them at the previous meeting, in order to "find out more about me."
I wonder, would my "anusim" heritage have been accepted and acted in my favor
had they known about it? Who knew or cared of the suffering and shame experienced by our
Portuguese--Jewish ancestors, those wretched souls who had no choice, were converted by
force. Their only choice being baptism or martyrdom. We, the Diaspora Jews were still in
shock after the Nazi Holocaust, so I faced the Beth Din much like my ancestors had faced
their inquisitors 500 years ago. Fearful, anxious and intimidated. I remember sitting in
the austere atmosphere, a young,inexperienced girl, alone, facing a long table of stern
looking Rabbi's who fired questions at me from across the "devide." Never
knowing from which angle or which Rabbi the next question would come. I was facing my
personal Inquisition.
I went to a predominantly Jewish day school in Cape Town. There I met and mixed with
mostly Jewish children, often going to the Synagogue with them. As I grew up I dated
Jewish boys, with my parents blessings. It was a matter of pride in my family home where I
was repeatedly told how " Jewish " I looked and behaved, and when we achieved
any success, it was because my
sister and I were so "Jewish" . We accepted this as it was meant, as a
compliment. A distinct memory from that period was that had we remained Catholic, and in
the "old country." I being the 2nd daughter would have become a nun, a
protective scheme used by Crypto - Jewish families. Were I a
son, I would have had to become a priest, in that way the family secret rituals would be
relatively safe. As a priest, I would then also have been the family
"confessor."
Paradoxically it was also a way to gain access to Hebrew books and studies. Going through
the records of the " Auto-da-Fe "( Act of Faith ) it explains why so many
priests, monks and nuns were amongst the exposed Judaizers! The marrying of first cousins
was very common, another way of keeping the secret rituals and religion safe and within
the family. We were often described as
coming from a "good" (Jewish) family, the "not so good" being of mixed
affiliations, and frowned on. I grew up on the Old Testament, a firm favorite in our home,
and the love instilled in us for G-D, Israel and the Jewish Diaspora has a far deeper
meaning now that I know more of the truth surrounding the mystery of my lost heritage. At
the time, my sisters and I accepted it as the norm for a "Christian" home,
because although I was baptized in the Catholic Church, my parents became Protestants when
I was 4 or 5 years old. Another fairly common practice amongst Crypto-Jews on leaving
Portugal, at that time.
Today, older, and wiser, I am accepted as a Jewess, having taken many years after my
conversion to Orthodox Judaism, and yet often, 30 years later, I am still referred to as a
"convert." I realize that many people will never fully comprehend, not only my
lost heritage and culture, but the phenomenon
of the many anusim around the world. Although forced to convert they managed at the risk
of death to keep some vestiges of Judaism alive over the centuries. Living in the oldest
country of Western Europe, and after hiding for 500 years they came to believe they were
the only Jews left in the
world, having lived in the remotest areas, seeking refuge and anonymity in little
villages throughout Portugal and the Islands ( Madeira and the Azores ).
For me, it is a miracle that Portuguese Judaism survived at all, and believe the time has
come to honor and acknowledge our ancestors who lived under such adversity. What I do know
and have experienced most of my life, is what it feels like "not to belong."
Born in South Africa, I was neither African, English, Afrikaans, Jewish, nor Portuguese.
Having known the rejection, shame and humiliation that continues with the descendants of
those brave souls that have gone before. I want to make a difference by breaking that
cycle, by talking about the "secrets" and causing an awareness among the
Portuguese and Jewish communities.
Our Portuguese Jewish ancestors, unlike anywhere else in the world, had no choice. Unlike
Spain, where many converted or were forced to leave, the Portuguese Jews were not allowed
to leave when Portugal closed the exit doors in 1497, the ones who managed to escape
during those 300 turbulent years of the Inquisition, were the wealthy who paid the bribes
for permission and documents needed to leave Portugal. They left as "conversos"
or "new-Christians," and once safely settled where they were free to practice
their religion, did so by reverting back to Judaism. The rest of
the anusim left behind with no means of escape, continued living lives of fear, suffering
the gruesome existence of deceit, shame and death.
I am extremely proud to be a descendant of a very special and tenacious people who managed
against all odds to keep their religion alive. The very obvious "religious"
names found among the Portuguese were used in years gone by to prove their genuineness as
"super" Catholics. A testimony to the stressful conditions they endured. Names
like; de Jesus; (of Jesus); Espirito
Santo (holy spirit); da Santa Maria (of Saint Mary), amongst many others. It is believed
the penitente sect (a self-flagellating Catholic sect) of being from a similar source; the
need to prove their "super" Christianity.
Until the Jewish Diaspora accept and understand this part of our history, when Portugal
tried to become "Judenrein" - a chilling forecast of what was to come with Nazi
Germany - to understand the centuries of suffering of the many Portuguese Jewish martyrs
as another chapter of our Jewish history - not to be ignored but accepted as part of our
tragic past - until this time the shame and humiliation will remain...
Until the Portuguese gentiles accept our combined and forever intertwined history with
pride, this shared history will continue to be a "blot" on the
"purity" of their genealogy and shameful for many. The Portuguese mostly Roman
Catholic, are estimated to be 85% of Jewish admixture. We, the
Sephardic Jews, and the Portuguese Catholics, share the same forefathers, the noble house
of Israel, King David, King Solomon...
How proud our gentile family of Portugal should be of such history and lineage. Together,
let us accept our heritage with pride.
Rufina Bernardetti Silva Mausenbaum
copyright 1997-2003
E-mail: Rufina Bernardetti Silva Mausenbaum
